In the Mind of a Psycho
by ninewood
Summary: Seeing how Trainspotting isn't in the book section, this one shot focuses on what is going on in Begbie's mind after his accident in the third book, Porno.


_**A/N: WARNING: There are book spoilers in this one shot. If you haven't read Porno, I hope you don't mind them. I also hope I kept Begbie in character. This is my first time writing a story about him.**_

" _What the fuck jist happened?"_ Ah think as Ah look up at the blurry sky while lying on m'back. It feels like the ground is fucking spinning and Ah'm gonna be sick. Ah can still see the look on the puss ay the cunt drivin' the car which hits us and it's some fucking kid. His puss looks all shocked like as Ah smash intae the fucking glass then rolled off and landed on the fucking ground.

Everything fucking hurts.

Ah swear m'fucking leg's come off.

It hurts tae breath and Ah think Ah'm dying.

M'eyes cannae fucking focus.

Everything keeps fading in and oot.

That's when Ah see the cunt, Renton, kneeling next tae us.

He's calling m'name and is tellin' us that Ah'm gonna be ok, but Ah ken he's full ay shite.

" _Ah'm fucking dying, ye cunt,"_ Ah'm thinking, but he keeps talking. _Will ye shut the fuck up?!_

The next thing Ah hear is sirens and wonder if it's the fucking polis.

Nah, the siren's all wrong.

Rent Boy tells us the ambulance is coming, but Ah didnae care because all ay a sudden Ah'm really sleepy.

"Nae, Franco, dinnae close yer eyes!" he says tae us and sounds like he's gonna fucking cry.

The next thing Ah hear is voices and hands are touching us.

Ah wanna tell them tae fuck off and let me die in peace, but Ah'm in nae mood tae talk.

What does m'heid in is every time one ay the cunts touched us, a sharp pain moves through m'body and Ah manage a few screams. Ah didnae want tae, but it fucking hurts.

"Take it easy, Franco. Ye're gonna be ok," Renton says and Ah want tae pound his heid in.

" _The fuck Ah am!"_ Ah shout in m'heid, but feel like a bairn when a few tears roll down m'cheeks.

The next thing Ah ken is Ah being picked up and Rent Boy's talking tae us.

He's coming with us?

Why?

That's when everything fucking fades oot.

Ah think Ah'm deid, but there's nae fire.

Nae smell ay brimstone.

Nae sign ay Old Nick.

It's jist dark and quiet.

Ah dinnae seem tae mind that.

It feels nice.

There's nae pain and m'heid isnae doing in m'tits.

That's when Ah start seein' faces ay people I ken.

" _Fuck, Ah'm seeing m'life flashing before m'eyes,"_ Ah think as the faces become clearer. _"Ah thought that only happened in the fucking films."_

Ah see m'Granddad Jock. He was the only cunt who really cared aboot us. He brought us intae this world o'violence and taught us tae stand up tae the cunts ay the world.

Ah see m'dad and m'ma. Ah ken that m'ma will mourn fae us, but m'dad… He wouldnae give a fuck.

Ah see m'brother, Joe, and Ah think back tae the day Ah smashed his heid with a fucking brick when we was kids. He never bullied us after that.

Ah see my wee sister, Elspeth. Ah'm nae sure how she's gonna react tae all this, but she might shed a tear or two.

Ah see all the lassies and the hoors Ah've fucked and that... Ah swear Ah had nae fucking clue it was a lad until Ah slipped my hand up his skirt.

Ah see the faces ay all the cunts Ah pounded or killed. Ah ken that Ah would go back tae prison fae killing Seeker, but it was worth it. He was a cunt.

Ah see June, Wee Sean and Wee Michael. Ah never gave a fuck aboot them and ken that June wouldnae shed any tears at m'funeral.

Ah see Katie and wonder how she'll take us dying.

She probably nae give a fuck.

The three faces which stay after the others have fucked off are Sick Boy, Spud and Renton.

When Ah look at Spud, all Ah can think ay is how he wanted us tae kill him. Ah ken that he wasnae doing well, but tae be that desperate tae end his life made me sick. Ah jist gave him a right pounding then fucked off.

Ah'm nae exactly sure what is going on with Sick Boy. Ah had heard he was getting intae making pornos and that was alright with us. But there was something in his voice the last time we talked.

" _What is he hiding?"_ Ah think as his face fucks off.

When Renton appears, all Ah can think is how much ay a mate he was when we were younger. He helped us get through classes because reading and maths were a fucking nightmare. The numbers and letters were a blurred pile ay shite and would do m' heid in. The teacher was no fucking help and the other cunts would jist laugh at us. It was when the drugs took hold that he changed. The mate Ah grew up with was fucking gone. Then he goes and rips us off. He took m'fucking money!

The anger Ah feel makes something slam inside m'chest and that tells us Ah'm still alive.

As Ah start waking up, Ah hear someone talking tae us.

Ah listen then realized it's Sick Boy.

He's telling us aboot what happened and that Rent Boy's ripped him off again.

The cunt will never learn.

Then he tells us that he… That… No!

He kept Renton from us?!

He made sure Ah'd never get m'fucking revenge?!

He's fucking sorry?!

Ah want tae wake up and break his fucking neck!

" _Wake up, ye fuck!"_ Ah shout in m'heid and fight tae open m'eyes.

He promises us he's gonna make Renton pay, but that's nae his job.

It's fucking mine!

Suddenly, Ah open m'eyes, but everything's blurry. Ah blink a few times then see Sick Boy standing next tae the bed and he's doing something tae the casts with a pen. He's aboot tae leave as Ah force m'hand tae grab ontae his wrist and the cunt looks at us with this shocked look on his puss. His eyes lock with mine as he sees how Ah feel and the cunt start tae sweat. That's when the nurse runs over and tells him tae move.

The cunt moves alright.

He fucking runs.

After the nurse examines us, she says Ah should go back tae sleep and Ah close m'eyes. As I drift back intae the darkness, something in m'mind started tae wonder if Ah should stop wanting tae get even with Renton.

That it's time fer us tae learn control the anger and nae let the rage oot.

" _If Ah did that,"_ Ah think as sleep starts taking us. _"Then Ah wouldnae be me."_

Aye, Ah wouldnae be Francis James Begbie if Ah did that.

" _Fuck that,"_ Ah think as Ah drift off tae sleep and a small smile spreads over m'puss.


End file.
